"When I was 15, I was black-out drunk in a field while my parents thought I was at a friend's sleepover...My 15 year old can't even order a coffee unless it's through an app!"
"I remember all-night raves, where you talked to loads of people...my kids can't even respond to a simple question without looking like startled rabbits."
These kinds of comments are everywhere. Quite apart from why a grown adult thinks it's any kind of flex to admit to underage drinking and a potentially lethal lack of risk awareness, and ignoring the fact that not every elder millennial did get blackout drunk in the middle of nowhere, there does seem to be a real issue with a large percentage of Gen Z - again, as with everything, not all Gen Z - having a hard time dealing with casual adult interactions.
So, what's going on?
1. Some people just aren't built with verbal communication in mind.
It's not "anxiety" or a "disorder"; their communication preference is written (typed), and they just prefer their non-intimate connections to be as minimal as possible.
I can do "small talk", but I very strongly prefer for verbal communication to have a clearly defined purpose, and to be related to something specific and meaningful.
2. Some people do have anxiety, and become overwhelmed when interactions aren't predictable.
While I can order food and drink just fine in person, I genuinely can't cope with pointing out that I haven't received what I actually ordered, or that there's something wrong with the food. I also get stressed out having to ask for oat milk (I'm lactose intolerant, and also highly allergic to soya), or asking if something has soya in it - in the case of needing to correct/send back an order...I've worked food service. I know how busy they are, and I hate creating work for other people. When it comes to milk switch ups and ingredients checks...I've had enough snide responses, exaggerated eye rolls, and "Isn't it strange how all of a sudden there's all these allergies?" reactions from staff, as well as tuts and sighs from people waiting behind me in a queue, to make the entire process really uncomfortable. And Americans doing their piece with "OMG, these f-king customers" on social media really doesn't help, even though I'm in the UK. And it feels awkward, if there isn't the option of a non-dairy, non-soya milk, to go "Ah, well, I'll leave, then, thanks, bye" - the reaction tends to imply that I've personally robbed the server of a fiver, rather than just not proceeded with an order of something I can't actually consume.
Some people really need to accept they do not have the temperament for food service, and start upskilling for other jobs. I can't work food service at this point in my life, because my sight loss makes navigating crowded spaces very difficult even without adding in carrying hot items which can easily spill, I have zero facial recognition, and no chance of reading table numbers from a distance, or reliably remembering a layout (I can't even picture the layout of my house accurately...it's an aspect of aphantasia, which, for me, started to develop about six months before my sight loss, and may well be connected to it.) I don't apply for food service jobs. It can make interactions with the JobCentre more challenging than they already are, especially when I'm explaining the aphantasia elements, but I'm typically applying to enough office-based roles, and doing enough other work-related activity, that they're not too bothered, as long as their higher-ups aren't ragging them about outcomes.
If you can't hold patience for people making specific requests around what is included in things they are going to eat and drink, if you find allergies "annoying to deal with"... food service probably isn't for you. There are a lot of other options out there.
3. Helicopter parents.
I'm honestly not sure why anyone would create such a rod for their own back as to feel they had to micromanage their child's entire life, step in to every single situation to "smooth it over" for their child, negotiate every single interaction for their child, but a lot of parents do.
Even very young children can manage "Thank You" and "Hello" - but it takes them a while, and parents feel it's "annoying people, having to wait", so they rush in with "Sadie says 'Hello'!" or "he says 'thank you!'", and their children never get to become familiar with using their own words, in their own way, and in their own time. Or rather than responding to a child seeking physical confidence boosts with a hand-hold and "You got this", the parent goes "Oh, they're shy!" - and handles a very simple interaction for their child...while simultaneously communicating a "fact" to the child about themselves: I am a shy person. I get frightened when I'm expected to talk to people. We learn about ourselves by what people tell us, and how they talk about us, as much as we learn about the wider world, and the other people in it.
4. Children and young people don't have opportunities for genuinely free association anymore.
Young children at home get a yelled "Shut up! You're doing my head in!" They get sent to their rooms, and told "sit in there with the telly and be quiet!"
Children begin attending school, and every other minute there's a shrill whistle blast, and "Don't make that sort of noise! Sit still! Stop chattering away like a troop of baboons! Thank you, Simone - we've heard quite enough from you today!" Wrong answers are pointed out - resulting in classmates laughing, and making that child the object of ridicule for the rest of the day.
High school hits, and it is the most egregious disrespect to ever speak to anyone, unless you are responding - appropriately, demurely, respectfully - to a direct question from a teacher. And even then, it's "Speak up! You may have something very interesting to say, but who's going to care if they can't hear you?!" Mispronunciations are loudly ridiculed, as are regional accents. Posture, where hands are held, all are mercilessly mocked by teachers in the name of "discipline" and "toughening people up." Playgrounds are where bullying happens, and, so that schools can truthfully say they "don't have bullying here", 'break times' are chocked full of supervised 'recreational activities', so that nothing untoward can occur - but you're not allowed to talk during these activities! They are purposeful, and chatter would destroy the purpose!
After school, it's too expensive to drive a child/teenager to see their friends, who live too far away for them to walk/cycle, and there's no buses after 5pm.
Police target any group of teenagers who are "standing around not doing anything", and fixate on harassing them until they give up and head home - blithely ignoring the groups of adults behaving loudly and obnoxiously outside the pub.
Youth groups have been closed down, or are the preserve of the worst behaved youth. Online "social support sessions" are very scripted, with 'themes' and 'points of focus' - free conversation doesn't really happen.
Parks are full of nonces. Shops don't like people who just wander round without buying anything. Sports teams have "assessments", and you have to already be good to be allowed to join, assuming your parents feel like paying the subs in the first place. There are always "reasons" why young people can't just hang out somewhere with their mates.
And forget having those mates over to the safety of "home" - Mummy is "overstimulated", and it will be far too much for her to deal with. And you know how her anxiety is. Plus the little ones won't sleep if there are people hoarding around the place. No, it's not going to work, I'm afraid - you don't need people to come over, anyway - you can talk to them on Facebook and WhatsApp, right?
So, communication defaults to text-based.
Speech is a sin.
Talking is "ableist", because it disrespects Mummy's neurodiversity and the "overstimulation" she experiences. It ignores peoples' sensory sensitivities.
Conversation is rude, because "other people don't want to know everything that's going on in your life!"
Catching up with people verbally is "thinking you're the be all and end all!", and is outrageous arrogance.
It's too much. It's too loud. You're airing the family's dirty linen. You're talking about yourself too much. You're boring people. Those bloody phones beeping all the f-king time!!! You're a selfish piece of shit, expecting someone who's been at work all day to drop everything and run you here, there, and everywhere, when you're not the one paying for petrol, are you, you ungrateful git?
And then the adults who've shut down, silenced, and shamed kids for ever making a single sound, or expressing a single need, are surprised that they're reaching young adulthood with a near-pathological fixation on avoiding ever being in a situation where they have to ask someone for something.
Conversation isn't innate. The desire to communicate is, but the actual mechanism of verbalising our thoughts, responding verbally to the thoughts of others, articulating what's in our heads, taking turns in conversation, recognising conversational cues, getting the pitch, volume, inflection, and duration of our communication right, are all things we need genuine opportunities to practice.
If you don't want to listen to your child after a "long day listening to people banging on at work", you need to prioritise taking them to meet up with their friends, or providing them with the means to get there by public transport or taxi.
If you're "too overstimulated" to cope with your child's friends coming to the house, you need to take them, or give them the money to get to, safe places they can hang out without being seen as a threat, a nuisance, or an opportunity.
If your child doesn't have siblings, for whatever reason, you need to prioritise arranging playdates with people they express an interest in - not just the children of your friends - and you need to arrange, and facilitate their attendance at, in-person activities where they will get to meet and engage with a wide variety of people their own age. The same applies if there are significant age gaps between your children, or if you have two children of different sexes, or children with very different interests.
You chose to have children. Whatever else adult life demands of you, one of your jobs is attending to the physical and emotional wellbeing of those children. Consistently. Without resentment or passive aggression.
"I remember all-night raves, where you talked to loads of people...my kids can't even respond to a simple question without looking like startled rabbits."
These kinds of comments are everywhere. Quite apart from why a grown adult thinks it's any kind of flex to admit to underage drinking and a potentially lethal lack of risk awareness, and ignoring the fact that not every elder millennial did get blackout drunk in the middle of nowhere, there does seem to be a real issue with a large percentage of Gen Z - again, as with everything, not all Gen Z - having a hard time dealing with casual adult interactions.
So, what's going on?
1. Some people just aren't built with verbal communication in mind.
It's not "anxiety" or a "disorder"; their communication preference is written (typed), and they just prefer their non-intimate connections to be as minimal as possible.
I can do "small talk", but I very strongly prefer for verbal communication to have a clearly defined purpose, and to be related to something specific and meaningful.
2. Some people do have anxiety, and become overwhelmed when interactions aren't predictable.
While I can order food and drink just fine in person, I genuinely can't cope with pointing out that I haven't received what I actually ordered, or that there's something wrong with the food. I also get stressed out having to ask for oat milk (I'm lactose intolerant, and also highly allergic to soya), or asking if something has soya in it - in the case of needing to correct/send back an order...I've worked food service. I know how busy they are, and I hate creating work for other people. When it comes to milk switch ups and ingredients checks...I've had enough snide responses, exaggerated eye rolls, and "Isn't it strange how all of a sudden there's all these allergies?" reactions from staff, as well as tuts and sighs from people waiting behind me in a queue, to make the entire process really uncomfortable. And Americans doing their piece with "OMG, these f-king customers" on social media really doesn't help, even though I'm in the UK. And it feels awkward, if there isn't the option of a non-dairy, non-soya milk, to go "Ah, well, I'll leave, then, thanks, bye" - the reaction tends to imply that I've personally robbed the server of a fiver, rather than just not proceeded with an order of something I can't actually consume.
Some people really need to accept they do not have the temperament for food service, and start upskilling for other jobs. I can't work food service at this point in my life, because my sight loss makes navigating crowded spaces very difficult even without adding in carrying hot items which can easily spill, I have zero facial recognition, and no chance of reading table numbers from a distance, or reliably remembering a layout (I can't even picture the layout of my house accurately...it's an aspect of aphantasia, which, for me, started to develop about six months before my sight loss, and may well be connected to it.) I don't apply for food service jobs. It can make interactions with the JobCentre more challenging than they already are, especially when I'm explaining the aphantasia elements, but I'm typically applying to enough office-based roles, and doing enough other work-related activity, that they're not too bothered, as long as their higher-ups aren't ragging them about outcomes.
If you can't hold patience for people making specific requests around what is included in things they are going to eat and drink, if you find allergies "annoying to deal with"... food service probably isn't for you. There are a lot of other options out there.
3. Helicopter parents.
I'm honestly not sure why anyone would create such a rod for their own back as to feel they had to micromanage their child's entire life, step in to every single situation to "smooth it over" for their child, negotiate every single interaction for their child, but a lot of parents do.
Even very young children can manage "Thank You" and "Hello" - but it takes them a while, and parents feel it's "annoying people, having to wait", so they rush in with "Sadie says 'Hello'!" or "he says 'thank you!'", and their children never get to become familiar with using their own words, in their own way, and in their own time. Or rather than responding to a child seeking physical confidence boosts with a hand-hold and "You got this", the parent goes "Oh, they're shy!" - and handles a very simple interaction for their child...while simultaneously communicating a "fact" to the child about themselves: I am a shy person. I get frightened when I'm expected to talk to people. We learn about ourselves by what people tell us, and how they talk about us, as much as we learn about the wider world, and the other people in it.
4. Children and young people don't have opportunities for genuinely free association anymore.
Young children at home get a yelled "Shut up! You're doing my head in!" They get sent to their rooms, and told "sit in there with the telly and be quiet!"
Children begin attending school, and every other minute there's a shrill whistle blast, and "Don't make that sort of noise! Sit still! Stop chattering away like a troop of baboons! Thank you, Simone - we've heard quite enough from you today!" Wrong answers are pointed out - resulting in classmates laughing, and making that child the object of ridicule for the rest of the day.
High school hits, and it is the most egregious disrespect to ever speak to anyone, unless you are responding - appropriately, demurely, respectfully - to a direct question from a teacher. And even then, it's "Speak up! You may have something very interesting to say, but who's going to care if they can't hear you?!" Mispronunciations are loudly ridiculed, as are regional accents. Posture, where hands are held, all are mercilessly mocked by teachers in the name of "discipline" and "toughening people up." Playgrounds are where bullying happens, and, so that schools can truthfully say they "don't have bullying here", 'break times' are chocked full of supervised 'recreational activities', so that nothing untoward can occur - but you're not allowed to talk during these activities! They are purposeful, and chatter would destroy the purpose!
After school, it's too expensive to drive a child/teenager to see their friends, who live too far away for them to walk/cycle, and there's no buses after 5pm.
Police target any group of teenagers who are "standing around not doing anything", and fixate on harassing them until they give up and head home - blithely ignoring the groups of adults behaving loudly and obnoxiously outside the pub.
Youth groups have been closed down, or are the preserve of the worst behaved youth. Online "social support sessions" are very scripted, with 'themes' and 'points of focus' - free conversation doesn't really happen.
Parks are full of nonces. Shops don't like people who just wander round without buying anything. Sports teams have "assessments", and you have to already be good to be allowed to join, assuming your parents feel like paying the subs in the first place. There are always "reasons" why young people can't just hang out somewhere with their mates.
And forget having those mates over to the safety of "home" - Mummy is "overstimulated", and it will be far too much for her to deal with. And you know how her anxiety is. Plus the little ones won't sleep if there are people hoarding around the place. No, it's not going to work, I'm afraid - you don't need people to come over, anyway - you can talk to them on Facebook and WhatsApp, right?
So, communication defaults to text-based.
Speech is a sin.
Talking is "ableist", because it disrespects Mummy's neurodiversity and the "overstimulation" she experiences. It ignores peoples' sensory sensitivities.
Conversation is rude, because "other people don't want to know everything that's going on in your life!"
Catching up with people verbally is "thinking you're the be all and end all!", and is outrageous arrogance.
It's too much. It's too loud. You're airing the family's dirty linen. You're talking about yourself too much. You're boring people. Those bloody phones beeping all the f-king time!!! You're a selfish piece of shit, expecting someone who's been at work all day to drop everything and run you here, there, and everywhere, when you're not the one paying for petrol, are you, you ungrateful git?
And then the adults who've shut down, silenced, and shamed kids for ever making a single sound, or expressing a single need, are surprised that they're reaching young adulthood with a near-pathological fixation on avoiding ever being in a situation where they have to ask someone for something.
Conversation isn't innate. The desire to communicate is, but the actual mechanism of verbalising our thoughts, responding verbally to the thoughts of others, articulating what's in our heads, taking turns in conversation, recognising conversational cues, getting the pitch, volume, inflection, and duration of our communication right, are all things we need genuine opportunities to practice.
If you don't want to listen to your child after a "long day listening to people banging on at work", you need to prioritise taking them to meet up with their friends, or providing them with the means to get there by public transport or taxi.
If you're "too overstimulated" to cope with your child's friends coming to the house, you need to take them, or give them the money to get to, safe places they can hang out without being seen as a threat, a nuisance, or an opportunity.
If your child doesn't have siblings, for whatever reason, you need to prioritise arranging playdates with people they express an interest in - not just the children of your friends - and you need to arrange, and facilitate their attendance at, in-person activities where they will get to meet and engage with a wide variety of people their own age. The same applies if there are significant age gaps between your children, or if you have two children of different sexes, or children with very different interests.
You chose to have children. Whatever else adult life demands of you, one of your jobs is attending to the physical and emotional wellbeing of those children. Consistently. Without resentment or passive aggression.
You "don't know how to play pretend?" F-king learn - because pretend play is the very first way children begin to learn how to communicate verbally. You find it "boring and stressful?" Tough f-king luck - maybe you should have analysed your personality and temperament before deciding to engage in a physical act with a high likelihood of creating a child.
Most of the reasons why "Gen Z are like this" can be laid firmly at their parents' doors. And yes, there does come a point where people have to move away from dysfunctional, toxic, lazy, incompetent, or disinterested parents, and fix their own life - but they need to have a basic grounding in adult competencies, and access to the resources of adulthood, in order to do that. Without those things? Yes, the responsibility to engage with your child fully, to invest in their development, to teach them core social skills, does all fall on you as the selfish, entitled adult who, for the sake of a few minutes jollies, brought them into the world.
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