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It Begins

A white hand holds out a brass compass. A landscape scene is in the background.
Today is Thursday 13th June. 13 has always been one of my lucky numbers, so it seems like a good day to start - or re-start - the journey of myself.




Who Am I?

Call me Ash, Mr. Ford-McAllister, or sir.

I've also been known as "the guy with the dogs" - but I have fewer dogs now than I did then (2, versus 4), so that's maybe less relevant.

As a trans man, I once had another name - it was given to me by people who were replacing an older sister I never got to know (she passed away at 2 days old, owing to a ruptured diaphragm, on 8th June 1985. I was an accident, my mother was advised to have an abortion owing to her mental state during pregnancy...my life was never going to be straightforward!)  I therefore don't connect with that name at all, and do not share it.  There are people I care for very much who know that name, and I don't have an issue with them knowing it.  But I never really was that person.

I started using the name Ash when I was 9yrs old.
I'm now 38.
That's 29 years of being Ash, compared to less than a decade of being someone else.

I legally changed my name in 2005.
That's 16yrs of being formally recognised as who I am. I was 19 when I changed my name by Deed Poll.  In four years' time, I will have legally been Ashley (Ash) Ford-McAllister for longer than I was ever legally anybody else.

Where Have I Been This Whole Time?
Lost.
Lost in trying to succeed in the normal, corporate world. (I'm a social capitalist, despite my best attempts to fit in with the Queer community by deriding capitalism and all it stands for - I wanted the whole work, career, 9-5 grind to work out. It took me a lot longer than it should have done to realise it didn't want me.)
Lost, during the Pandemic years, in shielding a clinically extremely vulnerable spouse, whilst dealing with the drama everyone else caused during those months - which, for my household, became years.
Lost in disability - I found out in 2021 I was losing my sight. I found out in 2023 there was no viable treatment option. I found out this month (June 2024) that I have a fourth sight loss condition (I have FEVR, macular degeneration, inoperable cataracts, and, now, glaucoma.  I currently have 40% vision in my left eye, which is mostly central field vision. I have no sight at all in my right eye, and almost no functional peripheral vision.) 

So... a lot of woods, for which I couldn't see the trees.  But I've found the road through the woods now, even if it is the one less travelled.

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